This happens EVERY NIGHT

Seriously. It’s happening NOW.

Picdumps suck.

I don’t hate picdumps as a theory. As a theory, they’re awesome. Find a bunch of funny pictures, throw them in your blag, and everyone can enjoy your digital treasures.

No, my quarrel with picdumps only appears in practice.

Because in practice, these awesome, amazing, ideas full of hilarious pictures and general happiness for all are terrible. Terrible. [repeated for emphasis]

I’m an avid Stumbler (which is to say, I waste countless hours clicking the StumbleUpon button when I should be, well, not clicking the StumbleUpon button). It’s gotten to the point where if I’m using a browser that doesn’t have the StumbleUpon button on the top right, I feel hopelessly lost in the internet.

Back to the point: Most picdumps are terribly designed, terribly implemented, and just a blight on my otherwise blissful stumbling. They tend to fall into one of three categories:

1. Shitty english picdumps.

These are the ones that have some disclaimer at the top that says something along the lines of:

“MAN I DO LOVE PICTURES LOL I GOT ALL THESE PICTURES IN MY YAHOO LOL DO YOU USE YAHOO LOL”

or

“My friend Susan just sent me all of these HILARIOUS pictures, I thought I should share them LOL. These will have you “ROFL” all day! :)”

or

“Look at all these hot sexy funny pictures click links they’re so lol”

2. Shitty foreign picdumps

I’m not bashing on foreign countries by any means, but for some reason 90% of the foreign sites I get Stumbled to are shitty picdump sites.

To this end, I have somewhat of a dislike for Russia because according to all of my knowledge, Russia is a country full of people who abuse HTML often and like to talk in broken english.

Both of these picdump types are then followed by 50 or so pictures of stuff that I’ve seen everywhere before, and most of which have no relation at all to the title of the picdump, which is nearly always some dorky almost-funny title like “WTF Pics LOL” or “You should have been fired LOL”.

All of these picdumps contain the abbreviation LOL. Nearly always capitalized, which not only makes it look dumb, it makes the writer of the LOL look like an internet-illiterate 40-year-old, which is what I always imagine them to be.

Somewhat like this:

That’s what you look like if you capitalize ‘lol’. To me. In my head.

That lady makes picdumps. Cat lady. Cat lady makes picdumps.

Don’t be Cat lady.

Omegle Fun Part IV: This one is gross.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hi

Stranger: F/m?

You: F.

Stranger: from?

You: I like domination.

You: FROM TEXAS.

You: LONE STAR STATE

You: OVER HERE WE LIKE OUR MEAT RAW AND OUR MEN JUICY

You: NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

Stranger: do you a bitch?

You: I is bitch.

You: Bitch.

Stranger: do you like fuck?

You: Uh, mucho.

You: What fuck you like?

You: I like, dick fuck.

You: Dickbutt.

You: Fuck.

Stranger: i like oral

You: hang on i have pic

You: http://tinyurl.com/ltkkdb

You: look

You: that is fuck I like

You: mmmm

Stranger: i have a big dick loh

You: loh yes!

You: i have a big vagina to fit your big dick

You: so big

You: it like CAVE

Stranger: please come to my country

Stranger: in indonesia

You: i would come but i no have plane

You: :(

You: my boob are so SMALL

You: like RAISIN

You: CRINKLY AND SMALL

Stranger: but you have a big vagina?

You: yes

You: very big

Stranger: i want you

Stranger: i want o ride you

You: i want you o ride me

You: ride ur biG DICK all in my BIG VAGINA

You: together we make BIG SEX

Stranger: yes

You: YES!

You: MMMMM

Stranger: do you have facebook?

You: i do

You: http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Carol-Furtado/375351581082?ref=search&sid=1522806016.1782484163..1

Stranger: ooh

You: this me

You: in now

Stranger: oke

You: also look at this pic

You: http://tinyurl.com/ltkkdb

You: picture is SO SEXY

You: it is self picture

You: of me

You: by me

Stranger: yes there is my dick

You: yes! THERE IT IS

Stranger: oh i want to ride you now

You: I WANT YOUR DICK ALL OVER ME

You: ON MY SMALL RAISIN BOOB

You: AND MY BIG CAVE VAGINA

You: YOU CAN CRAWL IN

You: AND NEVER LEAVE

Stranger: yes

You: look at picture!

You: LOOK

You: http://tinyurl.com/ltkkdb

Stranger: AAHHH OHHH

You: AAAAAAHHHHHHH

You: I did final

You: final all over desk

You: mmmmm

You: it is so warm

You: and the baby is beautiful

Stranger: oohh

You: i shall name him STRANGER

You: after you

You: wat is name of you?

Stranger: Ario

You: I SHALL NAME BABY ARIO

You: BABBY IS NOW

You: ARIO

Stranger: ohh'its a good name

You: let's make house together

You: i shall make you tacos

You: every day

You: til you die

You: no more sex near babby

Stranger: are you really?

You: yes.

You: Goodnight, Eric.

You: Goodnight, Ario.

You have disconnected.

Omegle Fun Part III

You’re now talking with a random stranger. Say Hi!

You: Hello, my name is Professor Gary Oak.

You: Welcome to the world of POKEMON!

Stranger: How do you do?

You: Are you a BOY or a GIRL?

Stranger: BOY.

You: What is your name?

Stranger: Harrison.

You: HARRISON, your adventure into the world of POKEMON is about to begin!

Stranger: I'm picking Charmander.

You: Here is my nephew, what was his name...

Stranger: Or can I have Torchic?

You: RIVAL's name?

Stranger: His name is Douche.

You: Oh, that's right, I remember now.

Stranger: Douche Oak.

You: His name is DOUCHE.

You: DOUCHE, HARRISON, I have a special task for the both of you.

You: You can both become POKEMON MASTERS, in the wide world of POKEMON

You: but first you need to pick a starting POKEMON

You: this POKEMON will be with you forever, so choose wisely!

Stranger: I pick Charmander.

You: CHARMANDER: The fire POKEMON.

You: Good choice, HARRISON.

Stranger: I'm naming him Aznable.

You: Wait! Before you go, I have to give you both your POKEDEXES.

You: Oh god, where are the POKEDEXES?

You: FUCK.

You: FUUUUUCK.

Stranger: Don't I have to deliver the parcel first and kick DOUCHE's ass a bunch?

You: I LEFT THEM RIGHT FUCKING HERE

You: GIVE ME A FUCKING SECOND HARRISON

You: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT I'M AN OLD MAN

You have disconnected.

Gotta Catch 'Em All

(for Lit class chapbook)

'Twas a night of sky so dark, the moon hid

Her light did not grace my hand, my friends close

On the chase was I, my eyes glinting keen

My companion's light shining from his tail

Artificial sun in the forest dim.

My quarry ran! My quarry hid! O, chase!

Strike! Strike! You see your target, Brutus! Flames!

Ah! You are weak, come back! Your sanctuary

Is in the palm of my hand, a steel womb.

Release, my comrade of wing and tooth, fly!

Critical hit! It's super effective!

A trap, I throw from my belt, a sphere gold,

To entrap my quarry swift, will it work?

No! He is free, my curses fall to air

Return, battle-weary, and go, other,

He's weak, finish him off-- but keep him waked

The hunt is lost when the prey is downéd.

One more trap, loosed from my gloved pale palm

Gotcha! The prey was caught! And so ends

The long battle, to the box with you.

My quest continues on, 'til all are mine.

[blank verse]

Connor’s Garden up for download.

You can snag the .doc here. You can grab the .pdf here.

I recommend OpenOffice.org for the .doc, and Foxit Reader for the .pdf. Both of these are great free programs, and better than their respective Microsoft and Adobe counterparts.

I spent a good bit of time on this, I hope you enjoy it.

You can also read it in parts on this site here. I do have some minor edits I made in the downloadable version that didn’t make it to the blog, so it’s probably the superior version. Also, there’s a whole new chapter in the book. So yeah. It’s kind of better.

Story Table of Contents

I’m doing this mainly for Alice, but it’s probably useful for everyone. I still don’t have a title for sure, but I’m thinking of calling it Connor’s Garden, so here we go. Connor’s Garden… it has a nice ring to it.

These are kind of meant to be read in this order, too, so it’ll make the most sense this way.

Prologue

Just Not How It Works

More Than Their God-Given Ability

Talking With The Other Side

GoodHealth

Connor's Garden

Diary of Isaac/The End

There will also be an .odt/.pdf that I will put up for download real soon here that will have one or two extra chapters. Keep watching out for that.