Untitled: The Rev. Arnold Fernsworth

(Third ‘chapter’)

THE FOLLOWING IS AN EXCERPT FROM THE REVEREND ARNOLD FERNSWORTH'S THEOLOGICAL ESSAY ON VIRTUIM IN RELATION TO ORIGINAL SIN

COPYRIGHT 2001 FERNSWORTH ESTATES

Under the eyes of the Lord, were Adam and Eve evil?

Some would say no. But I say, I PREACH, that YES! Adam and Eve were evil! Why? Why were they evil, you ask?

Well, that answer is easy. You see, Adam and Eve were the ones who opened their eyes to EVIL, and in that, turned ALL of future humanity to EVIL. And what is that evil? It is original sin. When Adam and Eve first partake from the forbidden fruit, (Genesis 3:7) they “gain the wings of angels” and “were as gods”.

That is INDISPUTABLE proof that this theory of 'virtuim' is simply ORIGINAL SIN. So I ask these 'scientists' to look at what they're doing to their spirit! To their soul! They should not be researching how to help those with virtuim disabilities, they should be researching how to CLEANSE US of this stigmata!

Jesus Christ was pure, the scriptures tell us this. Some say that they mean this in a sense of his spiritual purity. But I say NAY. Jesus CHRIST was pure in the fact that he HAD NO SIN.

And having no SIN means having no virtuim, as the scientists say. So we must rally! Man is not meant to be God! GOD is meant to be GOD.

Virtuim cleansing must be a national goal. I propose a call to all Christians of this nation to join together, to realize our SIN and to work to cleanse it. As a new baptism, we must learn to shed our sin and be subservient completely to GOD.

TALKING WITH THE OTHER SIDE

TAKEN FROM AN INTERVIEW WITH ARNOLD FERNSWORTH

BY ISAAC YOUNG

18 DECEMBER 2008

Reverend Arnold Fernsworth's fiery speeches have inflamed the political right-wing of the nation in previous years. I felt that if I were to understand the idea of virtuim completely, and to understand 'Takers', I should look at both sides of the issue.

Fernsworth's estate looks like any other rich heir's mansion. Odd, considering his emphasis on shedding greed and wanting to be subservient before god. As I walk in, two men escort me to the doorstep, clad in red suits with a telltale AF on each lapel. Any attempt to initiate a conversation is met with stoic impassivity. I feel as if I've been slapped.

After a lengthy and awkward ride in a small cart, we reach the doorstep, which has been decorated in a fitting manner for a humble reverend. Roman towers push up the facade that decorates the upper walls. The entire house has been built to resemble a temple.

The escorts seem unfazed. I note this. They don't seem to have much emotion at all, in fact. Must ask Fernsworth about this.

When I finally pass through the antechamber to Fernsworth's gargantuan study, I see the man himself, seated in a chair, that charismatic smile throwing daggers at me as he gestures to sit. I do, in a large armchair. I will skip the pleasantries in our conversation, but I assure you, there were many.

He speaks with a strong Texan accent.

So, Reverend, can I begin questioning you now?

Yes sir, you can. I have nothing to hide, except my best wine. (he laughs, a large booming sound)

Very well. As a reverend who preaches about humility and generosity, how do you choose to live in such a... grand location?

Well, son, you have to understand. As a servant of the lord, I am bound to be humble, and to give what I can. And I do! I give millions each year to a number of charities.

As for the house (he gestures widely), I can only say that all of this was given to me. Given to me by god!

I'm sorry, could you explain?

Well sure. You see, my weekly television program, Wings of The Lord, has a donation service. I'm not going to lie, I do also use some methods of advertising, but only by good christian names! (he laughs) So, you see, none of this was my doing. I only used the money that God was so kind to give to me.

How can you use so much on a personal living space? Wouldn't that money be better used in community causes or charities?

Lemme be straight with you, son. I am using this money in community causes. My flock expects me to use some of it for some worldly pleasures, but if God knows that I'm not attached, then I know that I'm safe. And I KNOW that God knows that. I am positive.

Then, you would of course give the house up in a heartbeat to the needy or the disabled?

Yes sir, I would.

Very well. Your critics have accused you of supporting the practice of virtucision, which has been widely investigated to be a cruel and degrading process. What do you say to that?

Son, if you would take a look at any of my published works, I'm sure you would see why I feel this way. There is a cost in virtucision, yes, but it is redeemed in your soul! Yes, God knows that those who are virtucized are going to heaven. For they have rejected the sin inside them.

You see, we are all sinners, son. We all have a bit of the devil in us, way back all the way to Adam and that wretched Eve. If she had only listened to God, we wouldn't be in this mess anyways! (he chuckles on the last line.)

Have you been virtucized?

I will tell you now that all of the men working on this estate are working out of the good of their hearts and have been virtucized willfully. Every man here is on his way to the pearly gates, and not by their own means, but by God's!

Yes, Reverend, but have you been virtucized?

I'm sorry, son. I don't feel that I am comfortable answering that question. Virtucision is not a cause to be taken lightly, it's your own immortal soul at stake!

Have you ever attended a virtucision?

No sir, I have not. What one man does with his own body is between him and God.

Switching gears, have you heard of the idea of Takers?

Yes sir, I have. You see, what many people don't know is that Adam and Eve were Takers. Yes, that's right. In Genesis, you can easily see that they displayed the same... uh... characteristics of what we now call Takers.

God told them not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge, and as soon as they did, sin entered them, in the form of what those darn scientists call 'virtuim'. Dumb name, in my opinion. Call it what it is: sin.

 

 

(Licensed under GNU GPL3.0, 2010, Dante Douglas)