Sunday, May 30, 2010

Yeah, it’s not mine, I DON’T CARE

Now this is the story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just stand there man
I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Maar Gan


In northwestern Vvardenfell born and raised
On the Ashlands is where I spent most of my days
Chilling out with some Hack-Lo on a giant toadstool
And all shooting some cliffracers just outside of Khuul
When a couple of Nords who were up to no good
Started runnin round naked in my neighbourhood
I went on one little quest and Mom said "You s'wit!
You're moving with your Auntie Huleen and that's it!"


I started down the foyada when off to the side
Some dude asked me "why walk when you can ride?"
I handed over 27 gold to the man
and said "Stride on, Nerendus, let's go to Maar Gan!"
I pulled up to the town and jumped down the ramp
But when I went inside the hut I got attacked by a Scamp!
Some crazy fool creature from another dimension
Chased me till I called for an Intervention
Got some training and a blade, half a keg of Sujamma
Went back and told that Daedric s'wit "yo mamma"
The Breton guy said he was my biggest fan
And said "the place is all yours, you're the prince of Maar Gan!"

Possibly my favorite Omegle chat ever.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Hey.
You: Um
Stranger: hey
You: this is gonna sound odd
You: but
You: I've been stalking you
You: I know how to work around Omegle
You: so I contacted you
You: fr srs
You: http://www.facebook.com/profile?=743264506
You: that's you, right?
Stranger: yup sure is
You: So
You: I just wanted to tell you
You: I think I am pregnant
You: uh
You: hard to break this :S
Stranger: o shit... you sure its me
Stranger: ?
You: Yeah.
You: Pretty sure.
You: Because, of, you know, right?
Stranger: o jeez, yes... vaguely though it was such a crazy night
You: Well.
You: Um.
You: You should come to my house tomorrow.
You: Because we need to talk.
You: Hello?
Stranger: ok im free before 2 or after 4 but i have my bands practice ya know... for the big show on thursday and i just can't miss it, sorry if its an inconvience
You: It's fine.
You: Just meet me downtown, like 3ish?
Stranger: ok
Stranger: wait...
Stranger: this is Sarah right?
You: What?
You: Yes.
You: Yeah, that's me.
Stranger: ok thats good then
You: Call me, now, if you can.
You: I have to go.
Stranger: ok i cant phones dead, dogs dead, its all just dead. ill have to meet you tomorrow
You: Okay.
You: 3.
You: Downtown.
Stranger: by the phone booth?
You: Listen, I really have to go, my parent's are getting mad
You: yes
You: there would be fine.
You: Alright, I have to go.
Stranger: ok
Stranger: bye cya tomorrow
You have disconnected.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Fucking fuck

Recently, in Uganda, a bill has been gaining support that would effectively make it illegal to be a homosexual.

From any rational viewpoint, this is a terrible bill. Not only is it blatantly disriminatory, it is completely and totally a religiously-oriented bill.

That’s fucking terrible enough. I’m going to write a rant about religion pretty soon here but it’s going to be LONG so I think I might actually plan it out first.

Monday, May 10, 2010

So I’m writing a post-apoc thing

I honestly don’t know how long it’s going to last, because I have a bad habit of ‘losing steam’ on projects really quickly. BUT I adore post-apoc stuff, so here goes nothing, I guess.

EDIT: I changed some stuff. Well, really, a lot of stuff.
---

I leaned back in my seat. I really shouldn't be relaxing, there were more important things to think about. Like, for instance, the 'E' on the gas tank and the flashing 'low power' readouts that swarmed the back of the old Toyota Land Cruiser. Low on gas, mother fucker flashed on the small readout screen. Thank the gods for home modding.
In reality, it probably couldn't be called a 'Land Cruiser' anymore. The bottom of it already had to be reinforced to accommodate the ridiculous amount of circuitry I had crammed on board, as well as the assault rifle on the top, not to mention the hodge-podge of solar panels that covered nearly all of the remaining exterior surface of the four-wheeler. The thing was a beast. If anything, it deserved a name, but I hated naming things on the account of the fact that everything I had named had died.
I reached back with a lazy hand to turn down the brightness on the screen jungle that so enveloped the interior of the vehicle. As the lights dimmed, I flicked on the headlights, and the car came to life with a dull roar. Have to find some gas, I thought, and pulled out onto the battered roadway.
No one drove this early anyway. It was just past morning, and the dirty red of the sun was just piercing through the morning smog over the horizon. There was smog everywhere, now, the cities are always burning somewhere. There wasn't a signal out here, and the Net was bound to have some new news with the factions. Chasing the signal, that's all his life amounted to now. Chase the signal and find some new job to do to get some new food or water or gas. Or ass, really. Whatever you need to get along in New Earth.
That's what they called it, the idealists. 'New Earth', like those fucking neo-christians. Like they know a fucking thing.
I wiped a stray hair from my eye. The road was broken and barren, no one bothered to fix up the roads when most of the cars were defunct. Most travelers preferred to walk anyway, like the one up ahead.
He stuck out a gloved thumb in the dim light, seeing my headlights. The Land Cruiser slowed as I approached the traveler, who was clothed in a ratty poncho and carried nothing but a backpack and a silver cross on a string around his neck.
That cross would have stopped me, had I seen it, but I didn't, so the wheels slowed to a stop in front of the traveler. The traveler jogged up to the passenger side window, and I rolled it down from a switch on the interior. His face was young, but muddied from weeks of walking on the road. Damn road kids and their lack of common sense.
“Hey kid, what the fuck do you think you're doing?”
“I'm just looking for a ride out to Oregon country, man. You willing to help out?”
“Do you know what the fuck could happen to you if you're just walking on the fucking highway? I'm not an asshole, but there are a fuck-ton of them out here.
“What are you waiting for? Get in the car.” Maybe I swear a bit too much. That's what loneliness can do to you.
The traveler cracked a half-smile and opened the door, clambering into the beaten Toyota. The cross off his neck bounced off his chest, catching the early morning light
“Just, uh, just throw your pack in the back. Find a spot.” Nathan said, his eyes back on the road.
“What's your name, kid?”
“It's- it's Alex, Alex Houston,” he extended a gloved hand to me. I took it and we shook. The kid couldn't be that bad.
“So... what's all this stuff back there?” Alex said, gesturing to the forest of towers and screens in the back of my SUV.
“That? That's just, uh, some of my shit. I like to pick stuff up. Why do you ask?”
“I'm just wondering. I can barely find a place to throw my pack. That's a lot of electronics, man. Where did you find all this stuff?”
“I look around. Most people think computers and junk are worthless nowadays, because no one has a use for most of the software. That's not really true, but popular opinion holds. What can you do, you know?”
I swerved on the roadway around a body. There were a lot of those out on the highway nowadays. After the 'poc hit, most people who survived were forced out of their hideaways to roam the badlands. Most couldn't take the pressure, or couldn't find enough food and water to keep walking.
“Hey, I never got your name.”
“It's Nathan. Nathan Kyheart.”
Alex stifled a laugh. This is why I avoid people.
“Really, dude? Kyheart? Shit sounds like it came out of some old fantasy novel.”
“You know, I could just throw you out of the car now if you'd like, or I could wait until we run into a group of shotgun-wielding hicks with a taste for your thighs. Your choice, kid.”
Alex looked away, fiddling with the cross on his neck.
“Sorry.”
“Don't- don't worry about it. Just don't make fun of my name, 'kay?”
A short beep emanated from the center console of the Toyota. Low on gas, mother fucker.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Dante and His Monitor

So, way back in the 2000s (2002, I think) me and my family lived way the buttfuck out in Junction City, which, if you have never visited, I can save you time by just saying the ‘town’ is one street, and miles and miles of godforsaken farmland. Whoop dee fucking doo.

JC

So, we lived out there, and I was, like, 8 or something, and we decided to get a BRAND SPANKING NEW COMPUTER.

This was to replace our old, Windows 98 computer that we had for… a long time (I don’t know how long exactly) and since I was 8, I didn’t know pretty much anything about computers and my general knowledge of them extended to the point where I could turn them on and play Galaxia (it was this old computer game that I SWEAR exists and it was awesome and it had a claw and lasers).

So naturally, when we got OUR BRAND SPANKING NEW COMPUTER I was overjoyed, because I could upgrade my gaming abilities to include RollerCoaster Tycoon and Zoo Tycoon and ALSO Mall Tycoon. It was like a fucking tycoonphlosion.

tycoon

Our BRAND SPANKING NEW COMPUTER was a Dell Dimension 4500, which, if anyone has ever seen one, is the epitome of early 2000s computer. It looks like this:

image

And it runs like a slug. No, I’m joking, slugs don’t have 128mb of RAM.

Now, this computer also came with a monitor, that I presently AM STILL FUCKING USING that has an expansive resolution of 1024x768 pixels, and the pixels are so fucking big that I could probably count every single one. This monitor is SO FUCKING OLD.

And it’s SQUARE and I don’t have any fucking MONEY to buy a new one.

So, the point of this post is, I guess, my monitor is bad and it should feel bad. Fuck you, monitor. Fuck. You.

monitor

Fuck.